


Dream Vacation

by petty102



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, IT'S FINISHED, M/M, i guess?, it's really just uncomfortable, sorry there's no smut, whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petty102/pseuds/petty102
Summary: Dream, as in, something vaguely uncomfortable and surreal that happens to you when you sleep.Your basic badly-written fluff format. The Beta kids vacation in a weird town. Jade and Rose meddle. Dave and John fall desperately in love and have hot makeouts.





	1. Spa, and Also Diner

Dave Strider looked up at the house with some mild apprehension. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“Calm down Dave. It’s a hotel.”

The hotel in question, was a rickety converted Victorian mansion with peeling magenta paint and tightly closed black velvet curtains on all the windows. Dave felt the first twinges of regret for letting Rose plan the trip.

While Rose Lalonde spearheaded the getaway, Jade Harley was the one with the idea originally.

“We should all meet in person!” She’d said three weeks ago in a private chatroom privy to only to the four of them. “We could get two rooms in a hotel somewhere and have a little vacation!”

“And how would that be any better than our annual virtual vacation, where we all go to different places around the same time and blog about it?”

“Rose, I think you and Dave are the only ones who do that.”

Despite the initial resistance, a week later Rose announced that she’d booked a hotel thirty miles from her home and expected the three of them to be there July tenth.

Rose tends to be inconvenient.

“It’s not _too_ bad,” John said, cocking his head and squinting his eyes as though a different angle would make it look less hellmurder-y.

John Egbert, the fourth member of the group. He’s not as sarcastic as Rose or as friendly as Jade, but somehow Dave liked him more than either of them.

“It looks like somewhere we’ll get killed in our sleep,” Jade said, making a face.

“See, that’s what I’m saying. What the hell Rose?” Dave asked.

Rose rolled her eyes and hefted her vaguely Lovecraftian-themed bag higher on her shoulder. “Weenies, the lot of you.”

She marched forward, and the rest of them followed resignedly.

As it turned out, John was right: it wasn’t too bad. The floors were plain polished hardwood, and the most of the lights were ordinary fluorescents. Sure, there were also ominous clown paintings on each wall, but that was just to be expected.

A woman was sitting leisurely at the front desk, looking over a magazine.

Rose approached her. “Excuse me, ma’am, we have two rooms reserved?”

The woman glanced at Rose and her companions. She sighed and closed the magazine, then dug around in a drawer. She pulled out two antique keys, and tossed them across the desk. “Upstairs, rooms 13 and 14,” she said airily, before picking the magazine back up and disappearing behind it.

Dave and Jade looked at each other, while John and Rose each grabbed a key.

“Dibs on fourteen,” Dave said while the four of them were climbing the stairs.

“I didn’t know you were superstitious,” Rose commented.

“I’m at least a little stitious.”

Rose and Jade both groaned while John gave a snort of laughter. Honestly, that boy had no sense.

Dave didn’t want to think about him.

Once the four of them reached their rooms, Dave snatched the room fourteen key out of Rose’s hand and unlocked that door. “Alright, this is my room—the three of you just have to bunk up in the next one.”

“As if I’d let you have it that easy,” Rose said, elbowing her way in before Dave.

“Yo, wait—”

Jade just shook her head as she unlocked the other room. “Sorry Dave, you reap what you sow.”

“That doesn’t make any kind of sense in this situation.”

She smiled apologetically at him, before disappearing into her room. John looked at Dave and back at Jade.

“Uh, sorry, I think Jade wants me to—”

“Yeah. I think Rose wants me to too.”

John darted after Jade, leaving Dave alone in the hallway.

Rose smirked when she saw Dave enter. “I know you were angling to share John’s room.”

“What? No.”

“You’re denying it?”

“I was just angling to not share a room with either you or Jade.”

“... Really.”

“Think of the scandal. ‘Boy and girl share a hotel room—monkey business assured’. The tabloids would have a field day with it.”

She shook her head. “Sharing a room with him is a bad idea and you know it.”

“Bad idea like Dorito-flavored Pop-Tarts were a bad idea. I.e., a great fucking idea. I like John.”

“That’s why it’s a bad idea.”

“Get your mind out of the garbage, it’s not like that.”

“Sure it isn’t.”

Dave tossed his backpack on one of the beds. “Let’s just go get some food. I’m starving.”

“Whatever you say.”

He sighed and edged out of the room.

Dave knocked on John and Jade’s door. “Just set your shit down on a bed and get a move on. We’re getting dinner.”

Their muffled voices quieted, and after a quick shuffle they spilled out the door.

“Pizza?” John asked.

“We’ve had that the whole way up,” Jade complained. “Let’s go to that cute diner we saw on the way up from the airport!”

“Yeah! That sounds like a great idea!”

Dave decided not to voice his concerns on the fact that it was a “Spa, and also a Diner”, according to the sign.

“What’s a great idea?” Rose asked, locking room fourteen.

“We’re going to Lily Flavors, that diner place we saw on the way up,” John said.

Rose cocked an eyebrow, but like Dave, she said nothing.

The four of them piled into the rental car, with Jade driving. John had, of course, yelled “shotgun!” the second the car was in sight, and claimed that this meant he got to sit shotgun for the whole trip as well—so Dave and Rose were, once again, shuffled into the backseat.

John yammered about the difference between a greasy spoon restaurant and a diner while Rose occasionally fact-checked and quipped disagreements. Jade muttered under her breath every time she made a left turn. Dave listened to Rose and John’s low key argument without paying too much attention, since it never really escalated enough to garner interest. He mostly just tried to keep his mind out of the garbage and not notice John’s stupidly attractive eyes.

Lily Flavors wasn’t busy that day—though if the surprise on the waitress/hostess/masseuse’s face was any indication, it was rarely busy at all. The four of them were all seated immediately in a choice booth by the window, and after a short deliberation their orders were made. The waitress/hostess/masseuse hurried off to the kitchen to alert the manicurist/chef.

“Prompt service,” Rose commented. “Certainly more greasy spoon than perhaps the sign led us to believe.”

“A diner can have prompt service—it’s the _quality_ that’s the difference!” John replied.

Rose shrugged dismissively.

Jade leaned forward in her seat suddenly, noticing something on the other wall. “Hey, guys... is that—is that a _gift shop_ over there?”

Rose twisted around in her seat. “This warrants investigation.”

“But what if our food comes?” John asked.

“That’s why you’re going to wait here.”

Dave laughed at John’s crestfallen face.

“What are you laughing at Dave? You’re waiting with him,” Jade said with a mysterious smile.

“Why should he wait? We only need _one person_ at the table.” Rose replied, looking pointedly at Jade.

“But John should have _some company_ ,” Jade said pointedly right back.

John looked back and forth between the two in mild confusion.

“It’s fine by me.” Dave leaned over and poked John in the ribs. “We’re good together. We’re like Bonnie and Clyde. Only the SNL version, Shy Ronnie.”

John huffed. “Hardy har. I take it I’m Beyonce?”

“C’mon John, you don’t have what it takes to be Beyonce. You’re Andy Samberg.”

“Why do you get to be Beyonce?”

“Cause I’m a queen.”

“Pfft, gay.”

“We’ll leave you two at it then,” Jade interrupted as she stood up. She grabbed Rose’s hand and practically dragged her to the gift shop.

John watched them walk away. “I don’t get half the things they get into.” He shrugged dismissively, and heaved a jaw-aching yawn.

“Tired?”

He finished his yawn nodding sleepily. “I’ve been up since 4:00 AM. I had to take three connecting flights and sit in the car for four straight hours.”

“But... didn’t you sleep the whole time?”

John gave an exaggerated sigh. “I _know_ , but still, it’s exhausting! My circadian rhythm’s all messed up.”

“You’ve been talking too much to Rose. She’s the one fucking up your circadian rhythm.”

“Heh. You know, she tried to psychoanalyze me when I said I didn’t want to go.”

“You didn’t want to go?”

John waved dismissively. “I was just nervous about the plane. I’ve never _been_ on a plane before, let alone _three_.”

“What did Rose try and psychoanalyze about that?” Dave asked, blowing the steam off his coffee.

“The usual—me struggling to come to terms with my dad’s job, the writing on the wall that apparently _everyone_ can see except me, all those dreams she managed to squeeze out of me about the world ending, my apparently ‘repressed homosexuality’—”

Dave gagged loudly on his coffee in surprise.

John cocked his head. “You okay?”

Dave coughed violently trying to get his breath back. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine, I just—” he coughed again.

John continued obliviously. “She’s funny, but sometimes she takes it a little far,” he shook his head. “I mean, her weird obsession on the fact that I somehow defaced my walls without knowing is kinda starting to get on my nerves a little. That does not make sense! If I can’t see it, then who is to say it’s there?”

Dave nodded, still suppressing a cough. “Preach,” he wheezed.

“And so what if I have a lot of dreams about the world ending? _Armageddon_ is my favorite movie!”

“Okay, your taste in movies still sucks but go on.”

“And I have no issues with my dad. I don’t! I mean, I will admit that it was really weird... _four years ago_. I was thirteen! Of course I flipped out and kinda had a breakdown! But I’m fine with it now! I’m totally okay!”

“That’s not very convincing, but alright.”

“And she can stop teasing me about being gay. I am not a homosexual, and she can stop trying to make me one!”

Dave took a long sip of his coffee.

“If I _was one_ , I would totally be okay with it! I know that you guys wouldn’t judge me or anything, and I know my dad would be fine with it, but I’m not! I like girls! That is not really going to change.”

Dave nodded, his mouth full.

John glanced quickly to make sure that Rose and Jade were still well out of earshot, then leaned across the table. “You know, I think maybe Rose might be trying to tell me that... I think she’s trying to tell me that _she’s_ gay.”

Dave almost choked again. He snorted into his cup.

“What? What’s so funny?”

“Grilled cheese with a pickle on the side?” The waitress/hostess/masseuse said as she approached, precariously holding four plates at once.

John shot back into his seat guiltily, as though he’d just been caught doing something bad. “Um, here, that’s me.”

“Chicken-fried steak with a side of mashed potatoes?”

Dave nodded.

“And... these last two are for the girls?”

“Yeah, just set them wherever.”

The waitress/hostess/masseuse nodded, set down a burger and a bowl of macaroni and cheese, then left.

“I’ll go get Jade and Rose,” John said, before getting up and heading to the gift shop.

Dave folded his arms and sighed softly. Rose was a fucking mastermind, but she had no business fussing with this.

... 

“I don’t understand chicken-fried steak. I mean, shouldn’t it just be fried steak? Or, steak-fried steak? You can’t fry a steak like a chicken, that’s just a fact of nature,” Jade complained.

“You wouldn’t get it. You’re eating cheesy maggots from a shady diner slash spa in the middle of nowhere. Might as well order the mystery loaf from a school cafeteria, they’re both going to have the same secret ingredients.”

Jade raised an eyebrow and pointedly took another bite of her mac ’n cheese.

John wrinkled his nose. “Sorry Jade, I think Dave’s right. I love macaroni and cheese as much as the next guy, but you got to be careful with it — it goes wrong so easily.”

“Hah. John’s on my side. I win.”

John turned to Dave. “You too, though. Are you sure that’s not just chicken?”

Dave sighed and forked a bite, then held it up. “Look at that grayish-pink center. Do you get that color in a chicken?”

“Ew, it’s not cooked all the way.”

“It’s steak, so we call not cooked all the way ‘rare’.”

Jade and Rose shared a look while Dave and John were talking. Jade gestured discreetly, as though saying, “ _See?_ ”

Rose rolled her eyes and continued taking apart her burger.

John looked back and forth between them. “Okay, what the heck is going on with you two? Does this always happen and I just don’t know because it’s all online? What’s with the secret looks?”

Almost against their will, both glanced quickly at Dave.

“What? Dave?”

Dave jumped up and muttered, “Bathroom.”

John watched bewilderedly as Dave left. He looked back at Rose and Jade. “What? Is there something I should know?”

“John—” Rose began.

Jade interrupted. “You still haven’t really gotten to look around the gift shop, right?”

“Uh, no—”

“Then let’s go! Now!” She grabbed his hand before he had a chance to answer, and dragged him across the restaurant.

Rose exhaled deeply as the two of them set off. She looked down at her dissected cheeseburger and contemplated not being meddlesome.

After a moment, she heaved a sigh and set down her tomato. She was too meddlesome for her own good. She stood up and made her way over to the bathroom.

Dave was staring moodily at his feet with his arms folded across his chest. He was leaning against the far wall.

“You might as well tell him now.”

“He’ll never figure it out. He has all the sense of a heavily concussed Lindsay Lohan.” Rose looked around at the dour setting. “Couldn’t you have chosen a better place to have a breakdown?”

“I’m not having a breakdown. I’m hiding so you and Jade aren’t tempted to shout out, ‘Hey John! Guess who has a crush on you? He has shades and he came from Texas!’”

“You can’t solve a problem by hiding.”

“Okay. How do you solve a problem then?”

“Not by ignoring it until it goes away, certainly.”

“You’ve shot down two of my solutions, and I still haven’t seen you suggest even one.”

“You’re being petulant Dave.”

He laughed humorlessly. “I get to be, goddamnit. You weren’t there when he started going off on how much he liked girls. He was all but sensually describing all the heterosexual sex he wanted to have.”

Rose winced. “He... he brought up some of my meddling, didn’t he?”

“I thought you said you were done messing around with this.”

“I did—a week ago.”

Dave sighed and dropped his hands. “Just... Do me a favor.”

“Elaborate?”

“Tell Jade to lay off.” He stuck his hands in his pockets and filed out.

Rose hovered by the sink a moment. She sighed.

He was such a fucking drama queen.

...

Jade snickered. “John, look at this—” She held up an XXL shirt that said, _I lost my virginity in a roadhouse_.

“This one’s better—” John showed her a keychain that said, _I lost my self-respect at a steakhouse_.

Jade laughed and shook her head. Operation Distract _John From the Obnoxiously Indiscreet Nonverbal Conversation She Was Having With Rose About Whether John and Dave Could Be Compatible_ was quickly becoming a success.

“Rose and I were trying to figure out what the theme was, and why a diner/spa would have it.”

“How about, ‘losing important things in terrible places’?”

“She suggested, ‘nostalgia’.”

“That—that’s it.”

Jade hung the shirt back up, and hesitated a moment. Her instinct to pry was a small one, but a forceful one at that. She considered prying.

“John?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever miss Vriska?”

John didn’t look up. “What’s this about?”

“Well, you know... she was your first girlfriend. And, at least I think, she was your friend too.”

John bit his lip. “She was... I don’t know. I guess I just liked her when I was younger? And more naive. And when I got a little older, I realized I didn’t like her anymore.”

“Not even as a friend?”

“She... scared me a little. I think that’s why I thought I liked her, if that makes sense.”

Jade picked up a mug that said, _This wasn’t the ugliest mug I met_. “Have you liked anyone since her?”

“Liv Tyler, my soulmate, duh.”

She rolled her eyes. “I mean a real person.”

John set down the pen that said, _I thought I was a writer for a while. Then I started writing_.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so? I’m not sure I’ve ever liked anyone that way.”

“Not even Vriska?”

“Well, yeah. I think I am still too young for that.”

Jade shrugged. ”You’re not really too young anymore. Maybe you like someone and you don’t even know.”

John looked at a necklace shaped like a hugging octopus without really looking at it. “But then who would that...”

Jade shrugged and studied green nail polish labelled _Golem’s Blood_. “I think you know already.”

John put down the necklace.

Jade looked over her shoulder. “Dave’s back from the bathroom, looks like.”

John perked up a little.

“I’m going to buy this nail polish,” Jade said decisively, “and you go help Rose pay for dinner.”

“Okay,” he said, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a goofy smile.

Jade headed up to the register, where the chef/manicurist waited to wring her up. She looked over her shoulder as John joined Rose and Dave bickering over who should pay the bill. When 

John showed up, Dave relaxed a little and tried to look cool.

“Idiots,” she mumbled.

The chef/manicurist raised an eyebrow. “Good friends?”

“The best.”


	2. Chapter 2

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:54 --

EB: hi there!  
TG: is jade asleep yet  
EB: yeah. she’s really tired.  
EB: i guess it makes sense, she’s had to travel the furthest.  
EB: is rose asleep?  
TG: no  
TG: rose never sleeps  
TG: shes like a fucking dolphin  
TG: only one half of her brain sleeps at a time so shes never really asleep  
TG: she just sits in her bed and stares blankly at the wall while contemplating my love life and all its inadequacies and JESUS what am i talking about to you  
EB: haha what?  
TG: so what brings you to pesterchum at this hour  
EB: well...  
EB: i’m way too excited to sleep!  
TG: i gathered  
TG: re: you chatting with me at midnight  
EB: oh. right. yes.  
TG: nah its ok its not like i was sleeping or anything ive just been updating my blog  
TG: people love me btw  
TG: theyd be devastated if i missed a day  
TG: thousands of followers all crying out as one  
TG: the voice of the internet scrolling compulsively through tumblr like itll somehow help alleviate its pain  
EB: suuuuuure  
EB: whatever you say!  
TG: is that sarcasm i hear  
TG: i think egberts giving me sass  
EB: nooooo, sass??  
EB: surely not!  
TG: are you doubting my blog acumen  
TG: because if you are doubting my blog acumen we would have a problem  
EB: i’m not doubting your acumen...  
EB: just doubting your scope :)  
TG: this wounds me john  
TG: i dont doubt your nerd savvy  
TG: or your bad movie judgment  
TG: or your shitty coding acuity  
EB: !  
EB: are those insults i hear?  
EB: you shouldn’t insult me dave!  
EB: i’ll have you know that i am the pranking master.  
EB: you’ll be sure to pay for this!  
TG: ok lets stop fucking around  
TG: what did you really want to talk to me about  
EB: ...  
EB: ok.  
EB: jade told me tonight.  
TG: she what  
EB: she told me about your  
EB: um  
EB: i don’t really know how to say this.  
TG: oh christ  
EB: look, it’s no big deal! i am perfectly ok with it, and i’m sorry if i’ve been insensitive, which i guess i have been.  
EB: i know it’s just part of who you are, and you can’t change that.  
TG: wait  
TG: what did she tell you exactly  
EB: um  
EB: that you’re gay?  
TG: ...  
TG: ooohh ahahahaha  
TG: she just told you that im into guys too oh ahaha  
TG: john thats no secret  
EB: what?  
TG: since when have i given even the slightest indication of being in the closet  
EB: um, always?? i never knew!  
TG: thats because youre incredibly obtuse and needed jade to spell it out for you  
EB: i am not obtuse :(  
EB: i just...  
EB: hm  
EB: ok maybe i’ve been sorta obtuse.  
TG: son youre so obtuse you go all the way back to being acute on the other side  
TG: 360 degree obliviousness  
TG: if not noticing things was a sport youd be in the nba  
EB: that  
EB: that doesn’t really make sense!  
EB: but i get it.  
EB: i’m sorry i never really bothered to ask.  
EB: i should know better.  
TG: naw  
TG: well i mean yeah you should know better  
TG: but you dont have to  
TG: cause  
TG: you have us to spell things out for you  
EB: d’aaaaaaw!  
EB: um, sort of speaking of...  
EB: is rose gay?  
TG: egbert  
TG: shes had a girlfriend for like two years now  
EB: !!  
EB: what??  
EB: who??  
 TG: uh john  
TG: kanaya  
EB: *facepalm*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate absolutely everything about html  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

John laid back down on his bed feeling very stupid. Two of his friends! Two of them! How did he not notice? He cringed with embarrassment. He must’ve seemed so dense to them, waltzing around in his heteronormative fantasy.

And how he complained to Dave about Rose teasing him about his sexuality! In retrospect, she was probably trying to ease him into figuring it out on his own. Jade must have just gotten fed up and told him.

He closed his eyes. Jade.. . What was with that interrogation today? That he had a crush on someone without noticing? That didn’t make any sense! Who would he have a crush on? He couldn’t possibly imagine Jade as anything more than a friend, and Rose frankly scared him a bit sometimes—and, he realized slowly, it’s not like she would reciprocate.

And Dave was

What was he?

...

The next day the four of them slept until eleven and woke feeling very disconcerted. In a rush, they all hurried to the rest of the day.

“Dave, do you have my toothbrush?” Rose asked, jamming on some pants at the same time as she was brushing her hair.

“Yeah, it’s here with mine,” Dave replied through a mouthful of toothpaste as he tried to wash his face and brush his teeth simultaneously.

“Jade, have you seen my shoes?” John called, cleaning his glasses with the shirt he was trying to pull over his head.

“They’re by the door!” Jade called back, struggling into tights with one hand while groping for a jacket with the other.

The four of them rushed out of their rooms together and bumped into each other at the same time.

“Oh, hi.”

“Hey.”

“Hi!”

“Hello.”

They all paused.

“So, are we ready?” John asked.

A general consensus was reached and the four of them hurried to the mall as a way to do everything at once with the little time they had for the rest of the day. The trip was long and relatively uneventful, save for when Dave leaned forward to turn on the radio, and in doing so he accidentally brushed John’s arm. John suddenly felt a weird twinge, which he associated with the bizarre music on the station Dave set.

“Holy shit, this is huge.” Jade said, staring at the entrance to the mall after they’d arrived.

John gave her a weird look. “You’ve... never been to a mall before?”

“I live on an island. Of course not!”

“You weren’t missing much,” Rose commented dryly, staring in distaste at the adolescents milling about the entrance.

“Rose, you realize that technically, we’re one of them?” John said. “I mean, we are teenagers, and we _are_ at a mall.”

“Never.”

Dave sighed. “Don’t try to needle her John, she’ll end up flipping out and stabbing you with a knitting needle or something.”

John felt another weird little twinge when Dave said his name.

“How little you think of me Dave. And to think I used to consider you so highly,” Rose said, scrutinizing the mall with displeasure.

“I think the most of what I get.”

“And for that, _I’ll_ be taking John for the day.” Rose grabbed John’s arm and started towing him to the entrance.

“That’s not fair game, he was never a part of this.”

“Feel free to meet us for lunch in a few hours.”

John looked over his shoulder at Dave and Jade, who began discussing where they should head. “You’re sure we should split up?”

She waved her hand airily. “Pay them no mind. We have a week to bond as a group of four—I’m only asking for a day with you.”

“That’s kind of sweet.”

“Of course it is. Who says I can’t be sweet?”

They turned down a smaller hallway, lined with mostly closed shops, their metal screens either half pulled down or just visible at the top.

“Um, Rose, do you know where we’re going?” John asked.

“I’ve been here before John, I don’t live that far. My favorite store is this way.”

They stopped in front of a windowless storefront with a black, tilted sign reading, “The Zoologically Dubious”.

“Rose.”

“Yes?”

“I get to pick the next one.”

It wasn’t too horrible. John hovered by Rose while she meandered through narrow isles with darkly-bound books and grotesque paintings.

When she picked up a Grimoire with a sickly stain across the cover, John cleared his throat.

“So, Dave tells me that uh, you and Kanaya have been dating?”

She flipped through the pages. “You didn’t know?”

“No. Um. Sorry.”

She shrugged. “I haven’t been too up front about it. Especially considering that you sometimes need... elucidation. What brings this up?”

“Jade... told me about Dave. And then Dave called me obtuse. And told me about you.”

She snapped the book shut. “I thought I told her to stop,” she muttered.

“Stop what?”

“Jade has picked up some... meddlsome habits. It’s partly my fault, but she’s been fussing in places she shouldn’t be. Dave asked her not to.”

“But—he wasn’t—he didn’t seem like he really cared. He was pretty up front.”

“He was more worried about some implications that you might pick up on now. I still think he was grossly overestimating your social acumen, but it’s his choice.”

“Hey!”

She shrugged, and slid the book back on its shelf. She turned and studied a painting that looked somewhat disturbingly like a living ink splatter. “This Ogs’idarth seems flat, don’t you think?”

“What implications?”

“Still on that?”

“He’s my friend, I should know! What implications?”

“Ask him then.” She took down the painting. “I can’t afford this, but I really want it. I think flat suits it.” She sighed and hung it back up. She whirled around. “I know somewhere cheaper, let’s go there.”

“Wait, I thought I got to choose the next store!”

“It’s been hardly a few minutes in here, I’m certain you can stomach a little more.”

...

John and Rose retired to the food court a few hours later after texting Jade. John was a little exhausted, and unsure of how much more pseudo-lovecraftian themed memorabilia he could handle. The first couple of minutes were interesting, sure, but it got wearing.

And certainly most wearing was the hour they’d spent at the Magic ’n More Emporium, where Rose studied weird wizard books with an almost religious ferocity.

Jade seemed similarly exhausted.

“If I have to see one more crappy internet meme-based plushie...” She muttered darkly as she slid in next to John.

Dave sat next to Rose, shrugging. “You said whatever I wanted. I wanted to look at complete bullshit.”

John felt that little twinge he couldn’t explain when he saw Dave. He cleared his throat and tried to distract himself from it. “So, uh, what do we want guys?”

They ordered Genghis Kahn and sat back down together. John ended up across from Dave. He glanced up at Dave’s inscrutable shades then quickly looked down to study his food.

“I don’t know why, but I’ve been craving noodles,” Rose said, spinning a bunch around her fork.

“You live in the boonies. All you can eat is whatever your mom brings back from civilization every three years.”

“That’s not even the slightest bit true Dave.”

“It’s true for me,” Jade commented, before heaving a long-suffering sigh. “Next time, you guys are coming to my island, so I can watch you struggle to navigate the ruins and the jungle.”

“All not in favor say aye,” Dave announced.

“Aye,” John and Rose said together.

Jade stuck out her tongue. “Pussies.”

They finished their meal and planned the rest of the day. Jade claimed that she was absolutely done with Dave, and John vehemently expressed that he could not shop with Rose any longer. Jade claimed Rose as a shopping partner, saying, “Sorry John! I’ve kinda had enough of you. I want to hang with Rose!”

“Looks like it’s you and me then,” Dave said when Jade steered Rose off, distantly shushing some protest Rose made to the matter.

John tried to look enthusiastic, though he was still fretting over the weird twinges. “Yeah! That sounds—that sounds nice.”

Dave raised an eyebrow. “Uh, John? There’s still some sauce on your face.”

“What? Where?” John said, feeling blindly around his mouth.

To his enormous surprise, Dave leaned close, then licked a finger and rubbed something off the corner of John’s lip.

That was

That was more than a twinge that just happened.

John cleared his throat and wiped his mouth, trying to suppress what may have very well been a blush threatening to crawl up his neck. 

“You gotta clean yourself up better. Can’t go wandering around stores with shit all over your—”

“So! So, um, where to?”

Dave shrugged. “I’m kinda shopped out. What do you want to look at?”

“Um, well, I’ve—I’ve been meaning to look for a new shirt, I guess. I’ve been wearing that blue slimer one to pieces.”

“Cool. So, regular department store, or weird Japanese store?”

“I guess whichever we run into first.”

They turned and practically fell into a Ross.

As John examined the selection of graphic tees, looking for any particularly interesting ones, Dave kept up a running stream of commentary. He’d just finished a tangent working through some rough rap lyrics loosely based on the marketing appeal of mass production when John hesitantly decided to ask.

“Dave...” John started, putting down a Galaga T-shirt whose design had started to peel off.

“Yeah?”

“Um, is it—is it weird now that I know?”

“Know what?”

“That you’re... you know...”

“John I swear to God, it’s okay to say it.”

“Gay?”

“Bi.”

“Oh, oh that makes more sense. Okay.”

“How does it make more sense?”

“Oh, well, you know...” John said cagily as he began flipping frantically through T-shirts, trying again to suppress an ashamed blush.

“No I don’t know.”

“I mean... You don’t act very...”

“Fuck, do we need to have _this_ conversation?”

“No! I mean, not if you don’t want to, I’m just, um, I’m sorry. I’m... I’m just obtuse. Sorry. Nevermind.”

Dave groaned. “Ugh, John, calm your nervous little heterosexual tits. It’s okay. I’m still your friend, that’s not going to end because you’re painfully unmindful of anything. If that were the case, we would’ve had to stop being friends the first time you watched Con Air with any degree of sincerity.”

John felt another little twinge when Dave called him heterosexual. A nervous twinge, was it?

“Oh fuck, yes, this one,” Dave said, heedless of John’s inner turmoil. He held up a shirt with an almost grotesque-looking Shrek hastily printed on cheap fabric.

“No Dave! I’m not wearing that!”

“C’mon, this is gonna look awesome.” He held it against John’s chest, his hands brushing John’s arms.

John jerked back at Dave’s touch as though electrocuted. Dave froze, and slowly pulled his arms back.

He set the shirt down.

“Oh, God, Dave, I—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—I just—”

“No, it’s fine. It’s fine.”

“Dave—”

“It’s fine! I get it. I’m—I’m going to go now. I think we shouldn’t—I’m just going to go find Rose. Buy your fucking shirt.” He turned and stalked out of the store.

John watched Dave leave feeling horrified and confused. Another apology squeezed his way up his throat, but Dave was too far to hear. He put down the Galaga shirt. It was stupid. He was stupid. He didn’t deserve to have any friends.

What the fuck was wrong with him.

...

 

“What’s eating you?” Rose asked while Dave paced ceaselessly.

They were in their hotel room. The unfortunate mall trip had ended hours ago, and an awkward dinner later the four agreed that it was best to just return to their rooms.

“Assholes who tell inappropriate people inappropriate information.”

“Are you mad at Jade for telling John you preferred men, or mad at me for accidentally insinuating that you had a secret crush?”

“Both.”

“If it helps, I’m sorry.”

“It doesn’t help.”

“I figured.”

She watched him pace for a few more minutes.

“He just—he fucking recoiled from me, like I was a leper stretching oozing bandaged arms at him. He has to know, he has to, and he’s not — he’s not—” Dave stopped and took a deep breath. His pacing started up again after a moment.

“Are you sure that’s what happened? John realized your not so discreet affections, and flinched from your decomposing flesh once he realized it wasn’t entirely platonic?”

“Yes I’m fucking sure, what else could it be? And it has to be you and Jade’s fault. He would have never figured it out if it weren’t for you two heaping on insinuations like it was goddamn candy.”

“How do you know it wasn’t from some other distress? Perhaps the revelations about your and my sexualities have sent him into a sexuality crisis of his own.”

Dave snorted. “John? No. No, that’s insane.” His phone buzzed, and reflexively he checked it. He jammed it back in his pocket.

“What was that?”

“John. Apologizing. Again.”

“You should answer him.”

“You should leave me alone.”

“It’s really unfortunate then, that this room is 100 square feet and my bed is three feet from yours.”

“Go sleep in the bathtub.”

“I would, but I’ve been trying to avoid getting herpes from the shower curtain, and sleeping in it might muddle that plan a little.”

Dave raked his fingers through his hair and sat heavily on his bed. He sat with his head in his hands for a moment before Rose spoke up again.

“You really should answer him.”

Dave exhaled in a gust. “I should also floss my teeth every day.”

Rose shrugged. “Fair point.”


	4. Chapter 4

\-- ectoBiologist  [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead  [TG] at 24:58 --

EB: dave?  
EB: i’m really sorry  
EB: i don’t know what that was  
EB: i’ve just been  
EB: feeling  
EB: ...  
EB: please just answer, i feel like crap  
EB: dave??  
EB: are you still ok??  
EB: it was not because you’re gay or anything  
EB: i mean bisexual sorry  
EB: seriously i don’t mind that at all  
EB: i don’t know that it was  
EB: i just


	5. Haunted House

It was just starting to get light when John noticed Jade stirring. “You awake?” he asked.

He saw her lay her arm across her eyes. “Yeah.”

They stared at the ceiling quietly for a while.

“What... What would you say causes a... twinge?”

“What’s a twinge?”

“When... Let’s say, hypothetically, whenever you saw... Matthew McConaughey, you felt this weird little twinge. And whenever he, um, brushed your arm or something, the twinge was really strong, strong enough that you kinda jerk back.”

“I’d say that sounds like you have a crush on Matthew McConaughey.”

“But... What if this only started happening in one day, even though you’ve known Matthew McConaughey for years.”

“Then I’d ask, what happened before that day to make things different?”

They watched the ceiling a little more. Something was very slowly trying to click in John’s brain.

“I made Dave really mad yesterday.”

“He seemed more hurt than angry. What did you do?”

“I don’t really want to talk about that.”

“Did you... Did you have a ‘twinge’?”

John was silent.

“John?”

“I’m not gay Jade.”

She sighed. “I know.”

“I had a girlfriend.”

“I know.”

“I have a crush on Liv Tyler.”

“I know.”

“I don’t like any boys.”

“Is that true?”

John didn’t answer. He sat up. “I think I’m going to get breakfast.”

...

Dave was in much better cheer for breakfast. He found that if he completely ignored his emotions entirely, it was as though nothing happened!

Yeah, he was fucking stupid.

“So, John,” Rose began, cutting into plain pancakes from the local Denny’s. “How did you sleep last night? We could hear you and Jade talking at the crack of dawn through those paper-thin walls.”

John looked sheepish. “Sorry. We were both awake.”

“Oh don’t apologize, it was a very soothing sound. Much more soothing, at least, than Dave’s unyielding snores.”

“Your snoring’s way worse and you know it,” Dave replied without looking up. He was concentrating on incorporating two fried eggs and several slices of bacon into a complicated multi-layer french toast sandwich.

“How would _you_ know whose was worse?”

“I hear you sometimes wake yourself up when the snoring gets too intense.”

“Touche.”

Jade tilted her head. “He seems in better spirits,” she said quietly to John.

John just looked down at his waffle. Had it meant that little to Dave? Should it mean this much to John?

Dave lifted the finished sandwich, and tried to find an angle he could take a bite out of.

“You’re going to have to take it apart Dave,” Rose said, licking syrup from a spoon.

“That’s not going to happen. I’m eating this fucking thing as one.” 

She shrugged and used the spoon to press a square of butter into the soft flesh of her pancake.

Jade shook her head. “You two eat so weird!”

Rose and Dave both looked down at their food in unison. “We do?”

Jade cracked up. John continued to stare humorlessly at his waffle.

Dave noticed John’s unusual apathy and tried not to feel guilty. _Of course_ John been uncomfortable; so when Dave tried to sneak in his usual little affections, he freaked out a little and probably figured out that they weren’t entirely platonic.

He... figured that out, right? He’s not that dumb, right?

Dave finally found the right angle and jammed the sandwich in his mouth. Jade watched him with fascinated disgust, not noticing the egg yolk steadily dripping from her spoon into her lap. Dave swallowed heavily and pointed it out for her.

“Jade.”

“What?”

“You have egg yolk all over your shirt.”

“What? Oh—oh shit! Shit! Augh, this fucking sucks!” She tried wiping it off with a napkin, and in doing so she smeared it all over herself. She gave up and threw the napkin on the table.

“Do we need to go back to the hotel for another shirt?” Rose asked.

Jade shook her head in frustration. “This was my last shirt! My other ones got messed up when John spilled coffee on them!”

“What were you doing letting him wield coffee?” Dave asked. “You know what they say about Egbertian coordination.”

Jade took a deep breath. “It’s alright, it’s just a stain, I can handle it.”

“Don’t give up so easily Jade, I’ll lend you some of my clothes. Let’s head back to the hotel, shall we?” Rose said.

The four of them drove back to the hotel, and Rose whisked Jade into room 14 and closed the door. John and Dave hovered awkwardly in the hall outside.

“Dave, I—I’m sorr—”

“Dude, calm down. It was nothing. Just stop talking about it.”

They stood, watching the door for a while.

“So, what do you think Rose is going to dress Jade as?” Dave asked uncomfortably. “Probably a some kind of witch or—”

“Why are you so calm?” John interrupted.

“Aaand, right back here okay.”

“ _I’m_ not over it, I still feel fucking horrible. I made you feel bad.”

“Yeah, well you weren’t trained in the Strider fashion to bury your pain in a cool ironic facade, so of course you care more.” 

John didn’t reply.

“Rose is pulling out all her black lace for this one, isn’t she.”

“But I—”

“ _John_ , just drop it.”

John bit his lip. He wasn’t sure how to say what he wanted to say.

“You’re probably right,” John said quietly.

Dave looked down, nonplussed. “I probably am, but what’s it in regards to this time?”

“A witch. Or something. Jade’s probably going to end up looking like a witch.” John smiled hesitantly. “I saw Rose forcing a big black hat into her bag the other day.”

Dave snorted. “Wouldn’t put it past her to have a collapsible cauldron or some shit in there too.”

John took a step closer to Dave. “Jade would make a good witch. She’s almost got the look down already.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Well, she’s got the round glasses, the long scary dark hair—and she lives on an uninhibited island with a devilbeast familiar—” He took another step. The back of his hand brushed the back of Dave’s. 

He looked up, a little fearfully, but didn’t say anything.

Dave stared at their touching hands in confusion. John slowly turned his hand around and closed his fingers around Dave’s.

Dumbfounded, Dave didn’t move. He let his hand hang in John’s. “What—”

“I’m sorry—I’m sorry, I know you probably don’t, but I think I—I think I might like—”

Dave’s head shot up to meet John’s eyes. “What?”

The door slammed open. Dave jerked his hand out of John’s, whose fingers closed on empty air before he pulled his hand back.

Jade stepped out of the room in a great deal of embarrassment. Rose had dressed her in a floor length, sleeveless evening gown.

“The three am dress,” Rose announced, coming out from behind. “The only thing I could find that fit lengthwise.”

Jade folded her arms uncomfortably, and muttered something about empathy and indiscretion.

Dave laughed. “Rose, you realize that we were planning on going to an amusement park today, right?”

“Everything else was too short.”

“Here, Jade, I probably have some shorts that fit you,” John said, edging away from Dave and surreptitiously trying to shake out his hand which was tingling something awful.

Jade thanked him and the two of them vanished into room 13.

Rose gave a sidelong glance.

“I didn’t intentionally leave the you two alone in the hall.”

Dave swallowed, reeling. “Like hell you didn’t,” he muttered. “This stinks of Lalondian masterminding.”

She shrugged. “At least, I didn’t engineer these precise circumstances.”

“I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“Dave, I don’t control gravity.”

The door opened, and Jade emerged dressed a little more practically in John’s shorts and t-shirt. He was apologizing again for spilling the coffee in the first place, and she was trying to get him to stop.

“Are we ready?” Rose asked.

John smiled and Jade nodded. Dave gesticulated vaguely. The four of them wandered out to the car and took off for Wilma’s Wonderland of Willies.

John stared out the window and told himself sternly not to care about anything except for games and roller coasters. He told himself it didn’t matter how many best friends he may or may not have had crushes on turn him down, he was going to enjoy today.

His hand still felt warm, but he figured he was imagining that.

The amusement park itself looked beloved but on the edge of failure. Most of the patrons had been there thousands of times, and visited every so often just to keep it in business. The rides were derelict but functional, and the employees seemed much of the same. There were two or three more traditional roller coasters, at least one Tunnel of Love variation, and one haunted house. And, of course, most popular was the fairgrounds.

“Ooh, look, a cotton candy stand!”

“There’s a dart throwing game! I’d probably be really bad at that, but it’s there!”

“Game of strength. Fuck it, I bet I could win. Bro beats me to a pulp enough.”

“Fortune telling, how curious. I’d like to try my hand at that.”

“Rose, I don’t think that one’s a game.”

“Still, I bet I could.”

“What’s that delicious smell? Is that funnel cake?”

They started with a ball throwing game. It was the classic knock-over-the-milk-bottles-to-win-a-prize variety, costing a dollar a ball.

Jade managed to hit one and nudge another; Rose knocked out a bottle in the bottom corner that started a chain reaction taking them all down; Dave blew a hole through the bottles but left two still standing; John missed his completely, but knocked down the bottles to the right of his, causing him a great deal of confused exuberation.

As they wandered around and played more games (Dave being very good at the dunking toss, Jade being extraordinary at the shooting games), John couldn’t help but be distracted. He felt Dave yanking his hand out of John’s over and over. He tried his hardest not to care.

Distraction and John were not a good combination, however, when he almost took a bite of ice cream sundae that was smothered in chopped peanuts.

Dave gabbed his wrist before the spoon reached his mouth. “You want to spend the rest of the day in the hospital?”

John started and dropped the spoon. Rose tried not to laugh while Jade slid her sundae back and handed John his malt. “Where’s your head today John?” She asked.

“Oh, sorry, I’m just—I think I’m still a little jet lagged.”

“You know, sleep deprivation is deadly. You should probably just go back to the hotel room and take a nap.” Jade said, watching John with mild concern.

“Naw, he just needs to wake up all the way.” John noticed with a slight dismay that Dave had let go of his hand. “We should do the haunted house next.”

Jade made a face. “I was hoping we wouldn’t do that one.”

“I can stay with Jade,” Rose volunteered. “I’ll ease her into the concept of self-induced fear, and we’ll do the haunted house later.”

“Wait—what?”

Dave stood up. “Cool. I’ll wake Egbert with terror, and you’ll scare Jade so thoroughly that nothing in the haunted house could possibly top it.”

“Deal.”

“ _What?_ ”

John drank the last dregs of his malt, then jumped up to join Dave as he began to turn away.

The two of them worked their way across the fairgrounds, weaving through litter and disgruntled patrons on their way to the haunted house at the end of the way.

John cleared his throat. “So, this morning—”

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“Ah. Okay.”

The haunted house began with a dark hallway lined with mirrors, so they could just see their shapes reflected back at them. Apprehension pricked the back of John’s neck.

He stepped closer to Dave when the lights went down completely.

Dave snickered. “Scared?”

“Not yet.”

The hallway turned sharply into a maze. Distant electronic cackles and screams ricocheted through the walls as other patrons set off motion sensors. John shrank back.

A zombie jumped up from behind a crudely designed tombstone while a screech rang out from invisible speakers. 

John jumped. “I’m awake now,” he said squeakily.

“Come on, we still need to see the rest.”

They inched through the graveyard bit at the beginning, and into some kind of faux house interior. A bed was shivering in the corner and something was banging continuously from inside a closet. Dave laughed at the effects while John cowered.

They went through a bloodstained bathroom, but were stopped by a shower door in a dead end.

They shared a look, then Dave yanked it open.

“Must just be a— _FUCK!_ ”

A leering bloodstained ventriloquist puppet fell from somewhere above and dangled in the doorway.

Dave grabbed John’s arm and jerked him away reflexively.

“Whoa! What was that? Are you okay?” John asked.

“Oh, yeah, huh.”

They watched each other a moment.

__“I held your hand this morning.” John said quietly._ _

__Dave sighed and let go of John. “I know.”_ _

__“I’m sorry.”_ _

__“Don’t apologize. It’s stupid.”_ _

__John looked away. “I’m sorry for the stupid thing in the mall.”_ _

__“I thought we agreed to just forget anything weird.”_ _

__“Yeah, but... Can I just—can I just clear the air?”_ _

__Dave huffed and crossed his arms. “Fine. You’ve got thirty seconds.”_ _

__“You don’t... You don’t feel the same way I do, do you?”_ _

__Dave dropped his arms and hissed, “ _Shit._ ”_ _

__“I mean, it’s okay, I get it, but—”_ _

__“I told Rose you weren’t that dumb, that you’d figure it out—”_ _

__“Figure what out?”_ _

__Dave cocked his head. “That I... like you?”_ _

__John felt his heart stutter a little. “What did you say?”_ _

__Dave groaned. “John! We’re _talking_ about my huge fucking crush I have on you!”_ _

__“I thought we were talking about my huge fucking crush on _you!_ ”_ _

__They stared at each other. John broke into a big goofy grin while Dave leaned his head back and laughed._ _

__“Oh my God, this is the dumbest misunderstanding—”_ _

__John laughed too. “I’m sorry, maybe I should have been more clear...”_ _

__“But what about all that, ‘I like girls’ stuff?”_ _

__John’s smile faded a little and he shrugged. “I’m not—you know me, I’m not as brave as you. I don’t have a cool gay older brother to idolize...”_ _

__“John, you idiot.”_ _

__They smiled at each other. John offered his hand, and Dave took it. They finished the haunted house without noticing anything._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh fuck I'm sorry this is terrible
> 
> I don't know
> 
> fuck
> 
> I'll fix it one day

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for a friend's birthday a while ago, and I thought maybe I could post it online and get some views and some feedback.  
> Seeing as the friend hasn't read it yet.
> 
> I recognize that this is so wildly indulgent it almost purposefully relegates the female characters as accessories to the obviously much more important plot line of male homosexuality, but fuck it, I tried. This is the first romance I tried writing in... um... ever.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for slogging through to the end. You're the best.


End file.
